headspace

friday evening:
how is it possible that the knowledge that i feel bad again - can make me feel better?
for a month or so, i woke up to misery. i dragged my sorry arse to school
just to endure a few hours of headache and all sort of negative feelings.
That ofcours made me realize that i won't be able to finish this term as planned,
that it'll all just have to wait for the fall. I made the decision to speak to my mentor
the week after -letting her know that i won't be showing up much this last month of term.

and now i feel great. (yes i know, "great" is to exaggerate - but compared to
the state i know a human being can be in, i really feel great).
I have not had the conversation with my teacher yet - and seriously...
how do I tell her that i quit school for the rest of term because of my mental state -
while..smiling?

Is this state i'm in just an effect of me being in controll?

I'm not sure. I don't really know what to do now. If my assumption is correct
then the best thing to do would be to follow the path i've chosen.
but in the case i'm wrong it would mean that i could take all
my degress before summer hence giving me an opportunity to move on from my school
where i'm not even close to happy.
would it be worth it?
or can i endure one more term in those corridores? where my steps echo as i
with heavy heart every day drag myself to class just to remember what have been.

What will never come back.

Today's song: the cry of mankind with My Dying bride. The live version.

monday afternoon:
i gotta learn not to log on as soon as i get home. i even forget
the need of breathing just for the pleasure to look upon my lovely character.

today i was in school to tell them i won't be coming back
now i really do feel better.. to the extent that i'm now gonna clean my windows.
(am i really feeling alright?)

one hour later:
 i'm dying. this was a bad idea. think that i'll just take one window/week.