headspace

det är fan tragiskt hur mina humörsvängar fungerar. jag vet ju att mitt nästa besök hos psykologen lär gå i stil med "wow wow wow", och hon lär sucka och stöna. men jag kommer ju inte ifrån faktumet att det är det största i mitt liv just nu - och precis samma problem som jag har IRL finner jag att jag har ingame.

i'll always be that psycho-bitch.

jaja. i nuläget känns det som om jag slungas mot beslutet att lägga ned. vet inte hur länge till jag kan utsätta mig för dte här. allting är alltid "allt eller inget" för mig, det är så jag fungerar.

dagens låt: happy birthday
tv: house.
person: niklas tror jag. jo.

Såfort jag lämnar norrköping, om så bara över en dag - så inser jag det ännu starkare:
Jag måste bort. och jag måste bort snart.

Nu är klockan sådär mongomycket igen. jag undrar varför jag gör såhär mot mig själv.
nu går det inte att sova, för de har börjat såga ned träd utanför mitt hus. maskinen börjar sätta sig på psyket.
saker får inte sätta sig på psyket. vänligen sluta innan jag lastar ngt tungt på de som kör maskinen.



trocadero är jävligt gott förresten. ni vill inte veta hur kort tid det tog mig att dricka de där.

Guy #1: Hey. Is it hailing out?
Guy #2: Hail yeah!
Silence for a few seconds.
Guy #2: I said...
Guy #1: I heard you. Shut up.

--Joe's Pizza, Carmine & 6th Ave

fyllesms från en bekant: "reflektion: folk bråkar mycket när dom är fulla"
folk blir ganska dumma när de druckit med.

shit shit. jag såg X3 ikväll förresten. Phoenix!
I fucking adore her, vilken skepnad hon än dyker upp i.

dessutom har jag någon fetish för tjejer som blir spräckliga och svarta i ansiktet. klassiker är ju i buffy när Willow blir "dark-willow". det är något som tål att ses många gånger per vecka.

morgonens problem: ska jag sova eller inte?

10 minuter senare:

sådärja.

almost night and i'm playing "dear miss lonely hearts" close too max volume. guess my neighbours must love me.
but i just see it as fair. daytime when -I- need to sleep, they allow their children to drive their little annoying cars into my door. so go fuck yourselves. I'm thinking about filing a complaint.
The day i become a mother, people will be chocked by how much i really hate children. I will always love my own child - and hate all other's.

one day i'm actually gonna write something usefull here. that was my plan from the beginning. but since i'm not sure what to wright yet, you'll just have to wait.

stargate here i come!
major carter: Sir, you can't name the ship "the enterprise".
jack: why not?!!

yeah, why not?

14:47
my home smells like a dump. please tell me why.
todays song: check link further down.. and then let me know how long it took you too turn it off.

i should do so much, but today i got my gamecard. Wow here i come!

http://dojo.fi/~rancid/loituma__.swf

friday evening:
how is it possible that the knowledge that i feel bad again - can make me feel better?
for a month or so, i woke up to misery. i dragged my sorry arse to school
just to endure a few hours of headache and all sort of negative feelings.
That ofcours made me realize that i won't be able to finish this term as planned,
that it'll all just have to wait for the fall. I made the decision to speak to my mentor
the week after -letting her know that i won't be showing up much this last month of term.

and now i feel great. (yes i know, "great" is to exaggerate - but compared to
the state i know a human being can be in, i really feel great).
I have not had the conversation with my teacher yet - and seriously...
how do I tell her that i quit school for the rest of term because of my mental state -
while..smiling?

Is this state i'm in just an effect of me being in controll?

I'm not sure. I don't really know what to do now. If my assumption is correct
then the best thing to do would be to follow the path i've chosen.
but in the case i'm wrong it would mean that i could take all
my degress before summer hence giving me an opportunity to move on from my school
where i'm not even close to happy.
would it be worth it?
or can i endure one more term in those corridores? where my steps echo as i
with heavy heart every day drag myself to class just to remember what have been.

What will never come back.

Today's song: the cry of mankind with My Dying bride. The live version.

monday afternoon:
i gotta learn not to log on as soon as i get home. i even forget
the need of breathing just for the pleasure to look upon my lovely character.

today i was in school to tell them i won't be coming back
now i really do feel better.. to the extent that i'm now gonna clean my windows.
(am i really feeling alright?)

one hour later:
 i'm dying. this was a bad idea. think that i'll just take one window/week.